Trying to bounce back after completely dissociating yesterday because of pain. It wasn't even terrible pain it was just constant and annoying so I left my body completely unmanned for a while, which is terrible, because then the emotional center takes over with no rationality or guidance and it's just... bad. Man. That is way to personal. Should I even be talking about that? Yeah. So, not neurotypical. That cat is out of the bag, huh? I left an ask on a blog on Tumblr today about what to call myself romantically and sexually and i'm hoping I left it in a place it will be taken seriously and also not harshly judged. I know that sexual aros can get a bad rap and I don't want to be misconceived. I tried to explain that what most people would perceive as romantic attachment my mind wishes to express sexually, but I don't know if I know how to make that not sound bad. I know that some Fae and Elves have similar orientations, but I'm not that so I don't know what words I should use and for some reason, I really want words. I don't know why it's a thing, I just want to know how to explain myself without having to explain myself. Er. Yeah. That's exactly it.
I wish the world were simpler. I wish that I wasn't forced to deal with so many things that are outside of myself. I guess, I'm glad I'm not alone on this journey, though. I debated whether I should be open about plurality here because I would truly love a place to be accepted as myself and for myself. But plurality is too much a part of my life to leave it out. Besides, people are going to wonder why I only show up for a few days a month then disappear again. Being out about being plural is scary, though, because it's not something that is within the realm of reality for so many people and you want to talk about judgments??? People either hate, fear, or avoid what they don't understand. And those who are just curious are probably going to be more interested in "us" than me. I don't want to discourage anyone from trying to get to know me, but I feel like ... I gotta stop. I'm starting to dissociate just thinking about this and I'm trying hard to stay attached and engaged today. Damn. I didn't realize how prone to dissociate I am. I think that's probably definitely a "me" thing. I am so relaxed and chill that when I start to actually get overwhelmed I just "nope out." That makes sense.
Ok. This got weird. Of course it did. My life is weird.